Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
[x]

deviantART

 
About Me Member Deviant of Many Talents Jessi De Anda18/Female/United States Recent Activity Deviant for 2 Years
Needs Premium Membership
Statistics 205 Deviations
359 Comments
1,668 Pageviews

Obligation

Wed Jul 15, 2009, 3:25 PM
  • Mood: Hopeless
That's all I am. An obligation of my grandparents. No one ever wanted or needed my pitiful existence. I was taken in, only because I was another one of my mothers mistakes. She didn't want me. Neither did my father. If no one wants me to exist, then why do I? Why, even knowing this, am I still here?
I am empty inside, drained of all compassion and life. All I feel like now is laying down, not moving until I die. Even then, it will be too much of an effort to maintain existence.
I feel like a contradiction. People who know me say that I am the most confident, self-assured person ever. They say that I am happy--sometimes too happy for my own good. And sometimes I am. Really. But...at other times, and sometimes even behind my own mask, all I can think about is how I will go unnoticed when I die. I see how worthless I am, how no one knows or cares about who I really am.
I'll be driving in my car, and picture a crash where I'll die. All the details are planned out in my head. Or I'll be at work, and I'll imagine someone coming in to rob the store. I'll get shot, and no one will notice.
I know that emotion is a weakness. I have been taught that. Why, then, do I feel? I feel the desire to be something, to have meaning. Also, I feel the deep, constricting fear of never finding a purpose to my existence. I felt love, once. But that, like many other things, was amistake.
With all this, I still think I'm strong. Why, then, does it take only harsh words to break me down, to make me cry? Why can't I handle even a 'lecture' without bawling my eyes out?
Why am I so weak?
Why can't I just die?
I tried it once. Dying. Even then, I wasn't strong enough to really do it. I was a cutter too, something I did to try and get someone to put me back together again. I was mocked for it.
"Are you happy now?" they'd ask.
I got sent to therapy. After a week, I was asked if I was better yet; when could they stop taking me.
I told the shrink everything she wanted to hear.
I was put on antidepressants, which only steadied my mood swings, leveling them out to something slightly below self-hatred.
I was asked when I woudn't need them anymore; when they wouldn't have to pick them up for me anymore.
I stopped taking them.
I tried to get help. I really did. All it did was make it worse. I was laughed at. It was a secret from the rest of the family. God forbid I embarass them.
My life is worthless. I am a contradiction, albiet a worthless one. There is no meaning to my eighteen years. Will I have the strength to end it? I doubt it. I'm weak like that.
What, then?

deviantID

im eighteen now!!!! and psychopathically bipolar.....^_^ im loads of fun, you know?

Devious Info

  • Current Residence: evansville, mn
  • Interests: art, books, anime,guys, girls :P
  • Favourite movie: hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
  • Favourite band or musician: marilyn manson
  • Favourite genre of music: metal, alternative
  • Favourite artist: shawn barber, clive barker
  • Favourite poet or writer: j,r,r, tolkien
  • Favourite photographer: jayo1989
  • Favourite style of art: drawing
  • Favourite game: kingdom hearts, zelda
  • Favourite gaming platform: ps2? im not a huge gamer
  • Favourite cartoon character: L from deathnote
  • Personal Quote: suck my dick
  • Tools of the Trade: pencils, markers, pens, charcoal

deviantART Community Board

[x]

Comments


:icontylerjayandtrade:
thank you<3

--
To love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.-Bertrand Russell
:iconforever-mi-amor:
your're welcome!! ^_^

--
[xxxxxxxxx]=====================>
HOMOSEXUALS are GAY!!


................................


someone had to state the obvious, right?
:iconlord-kevinz:
thank you for the fave

--
i'm not afraid to die. but i'm afraid to dry./

"Je ne suis pas d’accord avec ce que vous dites, mais je me
battrai jusqu’? la mort pour que vous ayez le droit de le dire"
:iconforever-mi-amor:
youre welcome!1

--
[xxxxxxxxx]=====================>
HOMOSEXUALS are GAY!!


................................


someone had to state the obvious, right?
:iconimarawkstar:
Thanks for the watch!

--
:bulletwhite::bulletyellow::bulletorange: FREE CANDY :bulletorange::bulletyellow::bulletwhite:
--------> [link] <--------
:community::community::community:
Go on children, take the bait from the nice stranger.
:iconforever-mi-amor:
youre welcome!!

--
[xxxxxxxxx]=====================>
HOMOSEXUALS are GAY!!


................................


someone had to state the obvious, right?
:iconforever-mi-amor:
your welcome!! <33!!

--
[xxxxxxxxx]=====================>
HOMOSEXUALS are GAY!!


................................


someone had to state the obvious, right?
:iconmrscullen:
    thank you

    :heart:


--
...nothing lasts forever if we never try...
:iconforever-mi-amor:
antime lol!!

--
[xxxxxxxxx]=====================>
HOMOSEXUALS are GAY!!


................................


someone had to state the obvious, right?

Site Map